Look at this icon! I made it! :D
(which is a big deal...for me. /finding nemo)
I've been wanting to make something along this line ever since someone made this amazing B5 music video of Sinclair to the song "Brothers in Arms" by the Dire Straits. Augh, it's like, my favorite vid ever.
Anyway. yay. I still don't have icon skillz, but hey, it's something.

There are signs in this universe, and one of the signs I get is that the Thing, despite all my efforts, is not going to stay out of my life. So what am I going to do about it?

I'm going to rewrite the Thing. I'm going to take that fucking story and rework it all as an original story (which isn't as hard as it sounds, really. With a little help from my trusty partner in story writing for many years, Adi) and I'm going to turn that fucker into something new and mine and...well, I'm going to write it. The rough draft of the Thing, v2, coming to your computers soon!

And by "soon" I mean probably in like a year, since it took me a year and a half to write the original Thing.

Yeahhhhh.

I had a really fucked up dream last night. But the most important part was that at one point in the dream, I was at work and a bunch of B5 characters showed up, and Neroon high fived me. I told him he was one of the most badass people ever, and then we high fived some more.
Bam.

sedating drugs are sedating
anyone know anything about Seroquel? 'tis what I'm on right now
40k! will make the 50k very soon
my S sticks since I spilled dr pepper on i, fail
my Dukhat is totally part Maine Coon, and me and Adi are geniuses
they call these sedating drugs for a reason
I think I should sleep now

So on Black Friday, I only work 5pm to close. And the next day, 2pm to close. That's...well, I was hoping for more hours. 'Cause I really, really need some money.

Yesterday was the last day of the show, and someone leaned over and said to me in the pit, "Oh, you're the bass flute player." That was the first time pretty much ever that someone said something other than "you're the oboe player, right?" I can't decide if I like it or not. This is the least amount of oboe playing that I've done my entire life, which is awful. But the flip side is, years ago I met the bass flute and wanted so much to play it, and, well, now I do. Well enough to have it in my senior recital, and apparently well enough to be remembered for it. "That bass flute player." Never thought I'd hear those words.

Weird.

So I'm playing pit for the show "Pippin" which they're doing at my school. The problem is, where I sit in the pit in order to see the conductor, I can't see a damn thing that goes on on stage. All I've been getting so far was that most of it was about the son of Charlemagne trying to find his purpose and he goes through a lot of stuff to get it, like Princeton in Avenue Q or Siddartha in the book of the same name. Then at the end, the Leading Player (who's apparently a character?) gets really mad about something and tells everyone to GTFO, but that's after she and some others tried to get Pippin to kill himself and he said he wouldn't.

Does anyone have *any* idea what the heck this play is about?

Dukhat is not even a year old (we're pretty sure), and today I realized that he's gone from kitten to looking much more like a cat. He's also huge which doesn't help the matter (not huge as in fat, huge as in, for a house cat he's big)...the other day I was in the pet store getting him foods and I saw the kitties up for adoption (must...not...adopt...grarggh) and there was one whose age was approx. 1-2 years, and Dukhat is already bigger than that. When he gets to be that age, he's going to be like, a giant housecat. But he's my baby so it's okay.
It is unfortunate that, while he's beautiful and handsome, he has no brains to go along with it. He chases his tail. Repeatedly. And falls off stuff trying to get at it. *headdesk*
Right now he's wandering the apartment chirping. He chirps a lot.
I love my cat <3 Everyone reading this should take a moment to love their cat as well, if they have one.

BIPOLAR SUCKS
just thought it ought to be said.
BECAUSE IT DOES.
This is seriously the worst hypomania, maybe mania, that I've had like, ever. See it started out fine and normal and then I started babbling which I always do when I'm manic and then the good/bad idea filter went off and now my thoughts are fragmenting and going EVERYWHERE and I can't concentrate on anything for more than a minute and my brain is jsut going EVERYWHERE from soap to my cat to this song to potatoes to tv to nano to dentists to candles and it won't rest on a topc and this mornign I woke up EARLY yes early I never get up early and couldn't get back to sleep and I want to run the fuck around my apartment complex a zillion times until it makes me tired!!
except my lungs fail so I can't run
my psych appointment isnt until next week
fuck this SHIT
i love my cat
9,000 words this morning!!! why is this apartment so COLD i turned the heat on but woke up this morning and it was FREEZING and i miss sinfonia so so so much and want to go back to Argentina and every time I think about a bus ride I always think about THE bus and see Argentina outside the window instead of anything else even though I've been on tons more buses but nowhere near the amount of time that we spent on the flecha bus
flecha bus YEAH

Lutra, STFU

Behold, Lutra's icons! Reminder that I'm a beginner, so they're nowhere near as artistic and awesome as I want them to be. But the more I fuck around with GIMP, the better I'll get, right? They're assorted fandoms, btw.



(this one's for Nagi, Rebeca, Drea, and any other Myst fan who wondered why Sirrus' bum shows up so much in Revelation) 









ps. 6k!

Several people wanted to see the dalek costume, so here it is.

Haha I'm so lame, in bio we had to do a lab that involved karyotyping and I got super excited. I spent my Friday night karyotyping and it was FUN. I'm lame :P and all the karyotypes were filled with polyploidy goodness, so those people, when born, are going to have serious issues (esp the one with trisomy 13, assuming they live past birth)
Fucking love genetics XD

That aside, NaNo starts tomorrow. *in Zanika voice* Are you ready?

So she's done with boot camp. She's on facebook regularly now and posting updates from her land on the west coast where she'll start A school (whatever that is) in January. She's emailed me, and she's actually communicating now as to back then when she never would. She's actively communicating and I know she'll respond to any emails I send, and she still considers me a super close friend confidant person.

But I haven't emailed her back, or responded to any of her facebook posts. I ignore them, except I still see them whenever I go in fb (which is like, all the time...fucking farmville, man) and all they do is make me so angry.
*Now* she responds. *Now* she communicates and talks and is open with the world. Fucking *now*.

My still-angry bubbling subconcious doesn't want to email her back or respond to her fb posts and let her feel abandonment from someone close to her. My rational brain knows that's very wrong and I shouldn't do that, but this is one of those rare times that I don't have a semi-Vulcan grip on my emotions and want...
fuck, this sounds so fucking terrible but I want her
to hurt
and miss me
and wonder what she did to deserve this
and wonder where I am, what I'm doing, why I'm not responding
what I'm up do
doing
understanding
trying to figure out
am okay

because that's what I did about her and for months she never said ANYTHING
and I'm not going to be an oboe performer anymore, and you won't be around for my senior recital, and didn't see me play the Marcello and I'm not going to be soloing again, and you'll never fucking hear me play and solo with any instrument ever
and you're happy in the military and I'm still in southeast PA with a meaningless life and now don't even have an orchestra to my name

and NOW you communicate, fucking NOW
all the time, even though you're busy with military shit
fuck fuck FUCK fuck fuck


One thing I can say, though, is that this shows me that I really *am* done with sinfonia. I burned all the mail they sent me this year, and the folder. And I don't feel any longing for it, just for what the orchestra was in the past and in Argentina. Now that it's all burned and gone, I'm realizing where my anger is really coming from. Sinfonia really *is* done, and it's kind of cool to know that. My Saturdays might now be used for volunteering at a shelter and helping cats. Fucking *love* cats.

IKEA is a magical place.

Dear Male Friend Whom I've Known for Years,
Congratulations, you have a penis. You have just passed seventh grade biology.
The fact that you've *just* realized it now, a year after graduating college, does not make you special, super suave, a chick magnet, and hopelessly attractive to all girls. Really, it doesn't. And pretty much all human males, as well as males of other species on this planet, have penises. It really isn't that surprising or exciting, it just means all your genetics ended up in the right order.
Yours,
Lutra, who isn't particularly impressed by your male wiles and great excitement over sexual physical pleasures. Really, she doesn't care all that much at all, and would rather just go back to watching Star Trek.

guys are so dumb.

I got meme'd! And I'm waiting for my crops to finish growing on Farmville on facebook (because that's the closest to a farm I'll ever get) so hooray for memes. This one was chucked out there by amatara and it is ye olde (yet never out of fashion) Shag, Marry, Cliff meme. The character I was given were Neroon (B5), the Ninth Doctor (DW), and Chakotay (Voyager). This one is difficult, man. Three major awesome fandoms. So after much deliberation I'd have to say,

Marry: Ninth Doctor. Nine is and always will be my favorite Doctor, because I love his snark and dark tragedy moments, the silly grin, and the way you aren't quite sure what he's going to do next (while this is true with all Doctors, I felt this particular quality to be stronger in Nine than others). And what can I say, time travel always wins me over.
Shag: Neroon. Hands down. What can I say, I have a thing for Minbari.
Cliff: And thus I have to throw Chakotay off a cliff, which is sad, really, but such circumstances call for necessities. And taking the whole bizarre nonsensial "shwhat??" Chakotay/Seven thing in season 7 (everyone I know also went "wait what? that doesn't even make sense!" when that happened as well) I think it's best for both of them if Chakotay gets cliffed.
(my friend Zach ships Doctor/Seven, and if I had to pick, I'd much prefer that pairing)

So I ask everyone to give me characters so I can do more just for the lols. And anyone can post if they want me to give them characters, too.

My fandoms be: Babylon 5, Myst, Star Trek: Voyager, Doctor Who (new series), Sector General, Animorphs, Harry Potter, Dragonriders of Pern, Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables. (Watership Down, too, but that doesn't count because...well, they're rabbits).

I'm 21 years old, and I have a small circle of friends. I am not the most social person in existence (in fact, compared to the average college student, I am definitely on the low end of the social scale, though on the medium scale for introverts), and have a small but close group of friends, and then mini-friends (people who I don't consider BFFs or uber friends but who are still friends).

How is it, then, that I know at least three, four, five people who have been molested/raped?

This should not happen, not with the small group I know. This simply shouldn't happen, and it is completely absurd and wrong and terribly, terribly sad. 

There are times I brush past it, and times when I'm forced to stop and see this and think how awful and sad and wrong it is that this sort of thing has become horribly common in modern society.

New icon! I made this one myself, and it's an inside joke with Cake and I felt that since by the end of this month Cake will be out of boot camp, this is my sort of icon tribute to her. Yes, it is, in fact, Neroon wearing a hat. Long story. But he's a badass even *with* a hat.

I didn't go to rehearsal yesterday, even when there was rehearsal. It was bizarre and peculiar and sad, and I wish I was there while at the same time a thousand people said, no, Lutra, this was totally the right choice. Your last concert with your orchestra was in Buenos Aires, and this orchestra now...is not the one you were in before. There's no point in staying. But still it makes me sad, because this was *my* orchestra and a major part of my identity.

I won't stop telling people to join them.

I'm bringing Chandler back to my apartment tomorrow. The freshman oboist has a really shitty oboe, and so I'm going to see if Chandler is any better and let her play him for the rest of the year. He'll get solos and be happy, and...well, she plays in the college orchestra and he'll be very happy with that. It'll be nice to see Chandler get what he wants, since he's my oboe.

I just got a root canal a few days ago and it hurts like SHIT. ughhh.

Goodbye my love, god bless you.

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.


I should have stayed in Argentina. At least my last memory of them will be of the concert in Buenos Aires and half asleep watching a tango surrounded by friends, my people, my orchestra.

I already miss them.
I want my orchestra back.
But I lost them even before I sent that email.
Or did I?
Fuck if I know.

I want to go back to Argentina.

No, fuck that even further, I'm moving to Minbar and *staying* there and playing flute for them or something. I'd call Delenn if she had a cell phone because I am sure she would be a great help.

I'm going as a dalek from Doctor Who. I don't usually plan too far in advance unless I see something awesome (in this case, the dalek costume on ebay) and then I guess kind of far ahead. Usually I went as the same thing every year (as the Phantom from Phantom of the Opera) except now I lost bits of the costume since the end of soph year of college. Boo.

I'm being eaten alive by apathy. It's not full-on depression, because I know what that feels like. Right now it's just apathy...I'm not sad, or happy, or anything. It's like the grey town in a CS Lewis book I just finished. (he's the man, BTW. I wish I could have him and JMS discuss philosophy and religion because that would be the coolest thing EVER...but that's neither here nor there). Yeah, it's situational, so I can't take new drugs for it. It's because of my motherfucking orchestra, and I'm pissed at them and at myself, and I'm...of course it affects my life, because orchestra has *been* my life for so many years. So of course it's going to be a big deal, because they've always been such, esp. this one since it kind of defined my college life.

Well, they can go fuck themselves. Four years of dedication for this shit? No wonder I don't want to be a professional musician. No wonder I want to be a psychiatrist instead. No wonder I get disillusioned when I watch the deconstruction of their values over the span of four years. Yeah, wasn't this thing founded on fairness? On not being the competitive, mean, unequal youth orchestra? You were founded on friendship and equality and making a point of giving everyone a chance, unlike other orchestras.

Well, fuck you for getting rid of those values. And thanks so much for screwing me over because of it, too. If I leave this orchestra, it's going to be leaving an entirely different orchestra than the one I auditioned for and got in four years ago. When I went around plastering your logo everywhere and displaying it on my car and telling everyone they should join, I was telling them to join that orchestra.

Small wonder I have no motivation to practice. Go to hell.
I'm not following you into fire anymore. I should have stayed in Argentina, and then not come back, and that way my last memories of the orchestra will have been of glory and wonder.